Anyone's Life Normal?

It has been an eye opener for me what people think of my life experiences. People who have heard my story keep telling me WRITE IT.

Whether I am in a depression, a manic phase or healthy one…I always believe there are others out there who have it one hundred times worse than me. 

It keeps me grounded when I’m manic, it helps me understand that there are worse things in life when I am depressed and when I am healthy, I feel for those worse off and I try to help them.

By the time I was 14 so many negative things had happened in my life that even an adult would have had a meltdown.

All these negative things were being blamed for my acting out. 

People believed I was being a spoiled brat by taking advantage of the heartaches that had happened to our family over the years, it wasn't because I was sick and needed medications; nobody knew that yet. 

It was because I was selfish. Looking back, the symptoms of Bi-polar Disease were evident from the age of 14, but diagnosing teenagers did not happen in the 1980’s.

Being Bi-polar has been a big part of my life it has made life difficult and it has made me learn how to cope with things the hard way, but it has not been all of my life. 

All lives have their soap operas. 

There have just been a few more bad things earlier in my life then some people have to live with at all in their lives…

The first most people will go through. Young or old we all lose a grandparent, but my grandfather was the beginning of young deaths. He died when he was fifty years old in 1977.

My grandfather was an alcoholic; he died of cirrhosis of the liver. I was five and he never got to meet most of his grandchildren or any of his great grandchildren, but we were told that the grandchildren he did get to know were loved by him very much. This was the first taste of loss, not too bitter of a taste at that age, but a loss none the less.

The next loss was to start me down a very depressing road for a very long time. October 19^th, 1979 a drunk driver killed one of the people dearest to me in my life. I was seven at the time.

People wonder why I am so adamant about drunk drivers; well here is a lesson many others have had to deal with as well.

We lived only about 20 minutes out of Medicine Hat, Alberta. The night was the grand opening of the Medicine Hat Mall. It was a thought in my brain that if I had not been so desperate to have my cousin out at the farm we would have only brought one vehicle home and we all would have survived…a lot for a little girl to burden herself with for so many years.

Our car, mom was driving, was in the lead and she saw the truck coming at her in her lane (the highway was not yet twinned), she had time to swerve. My dad, however, was behind us and probably didn't understand why my mother swerved until it was too late…

Imagine sitting in the car, what do you think my mother saw in her rear view mirror? I never knew that my dad’s truck exploded that night, not until I talked to a psychic. (Believe what you want) I always thought it was the next death, my step fathers, that there was an explosion. I had never been told the truth about any of the deaths until I was in my '20s…AFTER seeing the psychic. When I brought it up with my mother, she went white like she had seen a ghost, but told me what she had seen.

My dad was 28 years old when he died in that explosion. Could we think about this for a minute…28 years old? To lose your parent or grandparent is one thing, but Grandma and Grandpa were never the same after my dad died.

Christmas was hell that year how did the adults put smiles on for the younger children I have no idea and birthdays in January were not enjoyed without a father there and 35 years later I still have the cards my classmates made me, telling me that they hoped I would be back soon.

I was a different child after this.

The teachers could see it, the kids could feel it. I became very introverted. I stopped playing with the other kids. The friends that I had were growing further away because they did not need to be around a sad child. Emotionally I was heading in a downward spiral at the age of seven. All I have to do is think about what my mother saw in her rear view mirror to know someone else on this Earth had been hurt more than me.

Mom did find someone. He put up with me pushing him away. He was not going to replace my dad, but he was one person who tried. He was there when the nightmares happened.

When the wedding happened I was 11.

The summer before the wedding though, I had gone through a different type of nightmare.

The sexual abuse happened while I was in British Columbia visiting people.

My mom and step fathers’ wedding was a very big affair. I could smile again. When my new dad was killed 3 weeks later, life drained from me…I really couldn't keep losing people like this. 

Many other things have happened since then, good and bad. 

My abuser asked for a letter of apology because I contacted his daughter, who knew what I had gone through. I have been divorced and separated twice. My “rages” can come and go whether I am on medications or not. 

I have lost family and friends because they do not understand the difference between “crazy” and “mental disease”, I am just bat shit crazy. Suicide has crossed my mind many times and I have tried it many times.

Life has taken me down a very long, broken road. I have lost and gained people in my life, those that are still here on Earth and those who have passed away, both are dearly missed, but I cannot waste time trying to explain myself to people who do not want to give me or my children the time of day.

I can only hope my tales help show anyone that it is better to open up and let it all out even if others don’t think so, then to bottle it up and hide under the covers, being too scared to say how you feel.

You are a breath of fresh air by speaking out about how the world could be a better place if people would only try to be nicer to others. Remember that, because while there are those out there that think we are bat shit crazy, there are more people out there that think the opposite they believe and understand us. They are the people we need to surround ourselves with, find them. Start with a councilor.

Whether it is to a family member who has the drunk who cannot stop driving and shows them how a drunk driver affected my family’s life or the teenager who doesn't understand why they can’t control the tears when a family member called them “bat shit crazy”. 

I hope my “rants” help. 

Whether people believe me or not, I don’t try to make people feel guilt, but if you do...there must be a reason.