Just Because I Look Normal, Doesn't Mean My Brain is…

Many people misinterpret brain diseased people because of what they look like. Most people with mental disease look like normal individuals.

While we can see and understand for the most part when a child has downs syndrome, many other mental disabilities do not have physical characteristics. 

For the most part, my everyday life is pretty normal. I “look” normal, I “talk” normal and I “do” things normally…until I go into a Bi-polar manic phase or a Bi-polar depression. Then things start to become off the wall.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/09/18/bipolar-disorder-ellen-forney_n_5823138.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000046&ir=Women

This article says it all for me.

Another excellent example is a child with high functioning autism. These children can suffer a great deal in the school system and with their peers when there is no education in why a child can “look” normal, but not “act” normal. Without educating staff at schools and especially the peers many of these children are left behind mentally, emotionally and physically.

It all goes back to what mental disease looks like.

The child LOOKS like a normal teenage boy. He is High Functioning Autistic, so can be confused with a normal child misbehaving. His voice is cracking like any normal young mans, he has a full head of hair, he walks and talks, he laughs and he cries. But sometimes, his disease, Autism, shines through. When it did, these people assumed that because he LOOKED normal, he should ACT normal and so he was just ACTING out instead of it being his disease causing an issue.

Different types of “misbehaving” that people might confuse acting out to a chemical imbalance could be the “rages”. Chemical imbalances can cause so many types of issues in our bodies that people do not understand, “rages” are definitely one of them. These are classed as temper tantrums to most people.

Some of the people who have been honest with me about when I have had a rage have explained what I have said and done during a rage. There have been times where people have told me of the same types of things happening with my grandmother, who was also Bi-Polar. Saying and doing things we normally would not do, but once again, our brains are telling us it is the right thing to do or the right thing to say.

Looking back to when I was very young, my mother would tell me that there were times where I would, for no reason, hold my breath. I wouldn't be upset, I wasn't hurt, but she explained that I would be breathing funny and all of a sudden I would hit a certain pitch and quit breathing, at which time I would faint. I wonder now if it wasn't panic attacks, this was happening before the age of 7, maybe a symptom of poor brain development or an overload on a brain not capable of handling the information?

Today I will deal with severe migraines after “thinking” too long, especially when I write. So writing is something I try to space out over a few days.

These are not “normal” things for a “normal” brain to do. Normal people do get headaches, but not headaches that put them in bed for days after writing papers. Normal people do not go into rages because a child falls off a swing from a sibling pushing too hard, they have a bad dream or they do not listen when you tell them to do something.

Medications do help by allowing our bodies to have the chemicals that are missing, but those medications do not always work, time, constantly trying new medications and the "hit and miss" philosophy comes into effect with meds. They also have side effects that can cause problems themselves or they can actually stop working and you have to start on other medications. It is a vicious cycle that I would not wish on anyone who has the luck of a NORMAL life.

When you are mentally ill, acting “normal” when you really are not, is not as easy as the normal family member or friend of a mentally ill person wants it to be. I have been told many times to “Grow up”, “Control myself”, and “Behave Myself” and the problem with these statements is that the people saying them do not understand that I wish with all my heart I could.

These statements do a lot of harm because I start to wonder why I cannot control myself, why I don’t grow up, how come I don’t behave myself. Without my counselling I end up in very deep depressions to the point of suicide because I believe I am a bad person because I say and do things I believe are okay when I am in Manic phases when they are not. Where counselling helps me realize that while I have control over some issues, my disease does contribute too many of the behavioral issues that have caused these people to say these statements.

I may look like a normal 43 year old mother and grandmother, but I have brain function issues that I would not wish on my worst enemy.

Expecting someone who has poor brain function to act normal is like asking yourself to do something that you yourself have never been trained to do.

http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2014/09/19/depression-symptoms_n_5849920.html?ir=Canada+Living

Growing up, my family could tell you that I fought every single symptom on the list in my teen years.

I remember being disgusted with myself because I could not get out of bed when my family members would call me to get ready for school, I would lie in bed crying because I did not have the energy to even dress myself or the opposite sometime I would not be able to sleep all night, staring at the walls all night then not be able to get up in the mornings from lack of sleep. 

I remember never wanting to take care of myself hygiene wise, teachers pulling me aside to talk about it. I remember never feeling happy about anything, always looking at the negative side of even the good things in my life always unhappy.

I remember never eating properly, I still don't when I go into a Bi-Polar Depression. I remember always losing interest in the things I loved to do and I still do this when depression hits me.

I remember having issues concentrating on doing school work/homework and even now when I am not myself, concentrating on what I am doing is hard to control.

I thought of suicide many times when I was younger and have thought of suicide many times since.

My siblings and cousins could tell you how irritable I could and can become at the drop of a hat when depression is at my door and especially when I am manic.

I was always suffering from stomach aches and headaches as a teenager. I had issues with my memory back then and even now my memory is very bad. I cut myself as a teenager and after moving out of my parents home at the age of 16 and until I was in my early 20s alcohol was my drug of choice.

A reminder to everyone...Mental disease is/can be hereditary. It runs in families like any other disease does. You might think that your children are safe because it is your wife's cousin on her mothers side that is a little nuts...it doesn't mean a thing...inform yourself, just in case. Better safe then sorry isn't that the old saying?

I have survived 43 years so far, I might have lost some people along the way, but I survived and there are others out there like me.

Family Counseling to Help Understand Mental Disease

Right off the bat, parenting a child with a mental disease or illness is one of the hardest things a parent will ever have to do and accomplishing this with other children, who have “normal” brains, is even more difficult.

One of the biggest pieces of advice I can give to parents of children with any type of mental disease is counseling. Not only for the child, not only for the parents, but for the entire family.

I knew growing up that there was definitely something wrong with me, I did not know it was a chemical imbalance in my brain. Chemical imbalances in your body can cause so many problems, from causing seizures to weight gain. Many people will accept a thyroid problem, but gawd forbid serotonin levels are so whacked out you start screaming scary things that you have no recollection of later.

The issue though is when a child with a mental disability has episodes and siblings do not understand what is happening and adults put the episodes down to bad behavior, siblings can become resentful, bitter and sometimes hostile.

They, as well as the adults, scold the child with the mental disability for the “bad behavior” when the adults are not around. This leads to the child with the mental disability having no support. The child can start to feel picked on, mistreated and neglected.  The friction that develops between siblings because of the lack of education can grow and soon no relationship is left.

Counseling for everyone in the family will help.

This would not just be for the benefit of the child with the mental disease.

While this would show your mentally ill child that they have your love and support, it is would be to help the children that do not have the mental disease learn coping skills. Instead of becoming bitter, angry and thinking that their sibling is “just acting out” they would learn how to deal constructively with their sibling.

So much more is known about mental illnesses and diseases than when I was growing up. Parents now have an advantage.

Where my parents and brother had no clue how to deal with the outbursts and bouts of depression…where I refused to get out of bed for days to my severe mood swings…we know now how to help our children through a panic attack/outburst of tears/“temper tantrum” issues, which teach mentally ill children coping skills for the future.

And there is a difference between a child that is spoiled and a child that has a disability. The outside world may not know the difference but they do not matter. However, family and friends should know the difference and learning how to cope is a responsibility.

These coping skills my generation and older generations of people with mental diseases have had to learn these skills by hit or miss. 

The biggest reason is because no one knew back when I was growing up how important counseling is for people with mental disease/illness and the families of people with the disease.

I did see a psychiatrist once or twice growing up, but that was because of the death of my father. I did see a counselor a few times after I was strong enough to report that I had been sexually molested. I did seek counseling off and on over the years but really never understood how to utilize counseling properly.

When I was growing up and I was seeing a counselor after the abuse, my counselor would tell me to ask my family to seek family counseling, that it would be good for the whole family. The answer was always no, I was told I was the one who had the problem, not them.

Remember earlier I said “love and support” family support is very important. Sibling support is important, these are a child’s very first friends in life, when these “friends” do not understand and start pulling away from them because they do not know how to handle the behavioral issues that the child with mental illness/disease has, it can be devastating. This child can become worse in many respects.

We can help brothers and sisters understand that an illness or disease can cause their siblings to make poor choices by allowing them to talk to a counselor of their own. This person can help them realize that their sibling is not behaving badly because they want to, but because there is something wrong with their brain that makes it difficult for them to make better choices. This is helping all of our children, in the long run, have happy, healthy relationships with each other.

Yes, we make choices, but what many people do not understand is that when our brains are not working correctly we actually believe that we are making correct choices.

To a lesser degree, you might believe that a shirt looks great on you…it may be ugly and no one is willing to tell you that, but you think it looks great.

With my brain I can think something is an amazing idea, and if someone doesn't say, “Lana, don’t do it, it’s a bad idea and you will regret it.” I will probably do it when I am in a Bi-Polar state. Problem is, not many people know how to deal with me when I am in a Bi-Polar manic state and many people are not willing to “get involved” to say “Don’t do it”. This, in the end, leads me to believe they don’t care enough to stop me from doing “dumb” things after I do come down from my manic state.

Seeking counseling to support and learn how to cope with your loved ones mental disease has so many immense benefits for the entire family. From showing the mentally ill child they have the love and support to teaching the other family members coping skills the benefits out weight the loss of the minimum mount of time you have to put into learning these valuable skills.

I am not trying to bash my family in this blog. This is about showing that had a different approach been taken when I was young maybe things would have turned out a lot differently. However, times were different we did not know as much then as we do now about mental disease and illnesses and while there is a lot more that needs to be learned and talked about, there are coping skills available now for families to take advantage of so that relationships do not have to suffer.

**It has been a long summer. I have been going through a depression this summer. My writing has been on some depressing topics and many have not been worth posting. I am trying to learn to control which are worth posting and which are accusatory, full of self pity and not really helpful to anyone but me. I kept busy keeping tears away this summer by writing my “yucky” stuff, gardening, canning and taking care of the dogs. Now its time to harvest all those potatoes!