Many say that suicide is a cop-out. I hate that word, suicide. Others say it is selfish. Just like a stroke is caused by a blood clot, suicide is caused by depression.
Many people do not know what it feels like to get to the lowest point in their lives that they feel the world would be better with them not in it.
I will not speak for Mr. Robin Williams, but I can tell you my experience when it comes to suicide attempts.
Chemical imbalances can reek havoc on lives. A person who seems fine one minute can snap in a blink of an eye if something sets them off. You may never know what did it, they may never know either and you have every right to not want that unpredictability in your life, even if it is a loved one.
The problem that happens is many people think that the mentally ill are full of self pity, they are stuck on thinking only of themselves and what they can do and get for themselves. People think their loved one is only considering themselves in a suicide attempt, that is not always true.
When it has come to the point in my life where the chemical imbalances are so severe and I am so far in a Manic Phase I tend to do and say things that hurt the people I care about the most. Fair? No, nothing in life is fair.
People chose not to understand that the chemical imbalance is not allowing me to think things out clearly and those things I am saying are not me, they are my worst fears coming to the front and not allowing me to be the happy me.
In time those thoughts can become worse without a medication change (which does take time to take effect as well) and without constant support from councilors, doctors and loved ones, depressions happen off and on again on a cycling basis so it is a lifestyle change that needs to happen.
I have had former friends and family say, "get over it", they say, "what do have to feel sad about you have everything you need or want", they say, "you are selfish for not thinking of the people you will leave behind".
The lifestyle change means leaving behind the past. It means leaving the negative stuff that pulls you down into a depression. It means choosing to live and think about good, positive things...leaving negative heartaches behind, because the negative people, past and thoughts only take you back on a downward spiral.
Living in a depressing past doesn't take you to a fun future. Trying to do something you enjoy again while in a depression is hard, but it can help you take those important baby steps out of that depression.
But even in a severe depression, hearing positive thoughts like you write well or your a great mom, it just makes daily things harder to cope with and I push away, pull the covers over the head and hide.
It does not matter how much good a person does in the world when they are in a severe depression and is considering suicide, all they may be looking back at is the damage they have done to the ones they love the most. They do not see the great things they have accomplished in their lives.
With no support system, no family or friends telling them that the harmful things they have done is in the past and they will always have them as support that these family and friends understand it is a disease controlling them, only the bad things may stay in the head of those who are severely depressed enough to commit suicide.
Many people who become severe enough to commit suicide attempt to push every single person out of our lives. In my case and many people I know we tend to alienate, we say and do things to push those we love the most away. That way, you won't be around to see us do it. Most times we accomplish our goal. To push everyone away so we can end our lives.
I only see the hurt I have caused and the hurt I see myself causing in the future when I hit that low in my life.
I have hit that low many times, because my disease will never go away. I will always have a disease that causes friction when my medications are not working up to snuff. I will always have episodes and now that I know what my triggers are and what signs to watch for I know when to make sure to talk to my doctors about my medications and talk to my councilor about my stressors.
When in a manic phase I try to do too much and I end up doing too much which ends up throwing me into a severe depression. I would love to be one of those people who can throw a Christmas Supper for the family, not something I can accomplish without me ending up in bed for three days afterwards. So I do not do it for my mental health. These are steps you learn when you are changing your lifestyle. Do what you can, change what you can, be what you can. Don't push yourself because other people expect you to.
That does not mean I won't "rage" again, it means I know what to watch for so I do not become so low again that I want to leave my children behind and if I do, those that love me enough to enlighten themselves to see the signs and symptoms of the severe depression that could cause a suicide attempt will know what to do besides run from the "conflict", the "confrontations" and the "crap"...they know how to help. They choose to stay, stand and help battle the disease that can sometimes control the brain God gave me.
Those are the people who know you are not thinking about yourself, they are the people who know you can't fix yourself over night or "just get over it" , they are the people who know that it is a disease you are fighting...not them.
I do not know about any other person who has tried to or has succeeded in committing suicide, but I know that when I have tried, my thoughts are "Please God, I am so tired of hurting those I love the most. I am tired of this disease, I cannot hurt my babies anymore, take me home."
The guilt someone carries with them when they come down from a manic phase and they realize the destruction they have done to their loved ones, the hell they have put their family through, the heart break they have caused...they want to stop that from ever happening again. At least, that is how I have felt.
I don't think about how it would stop hurting me, I think about how it would stop hurting my children when I consider suicide as an escape from this world. I start to think that maybe my estranged family will then start to spend time with my children, because then I am not there to be a problem in anyone's life.
If you have never been to the lowest point in your life where you feel that your loved ones would be better off without you, you have no idea what it is like to live with mental disease.
Compassion and support is what you can offer a family member who is suffering from a mental disease. At their lowest, even when they are saying cruel things many may be trying to spare their loved ones the future heartaches they know they will inflict on each and every one of those family and friends.
Looking back, I have seen the destruction my disease and choices I have made because of my disease has caused over the last 30 years. Family and friends I have lost.
People say we need to talk more about mental illness/disease. That isn't the problem, there is lots of information out there...the problem is no one wants to learn about mental illness/disease. It is easier to believe that the person is behaving badly and can learn to control their behavior then to learn how to help.
As I said on my daughters facebook post, People don't want to admit they have missed seeing the symptoms of a depressed loved one. They do not want to admit they chose to give into anger and resentment instead of realizing that the person was pushing them away so that the loved on could commit suicide without feeling guilt. People push their loved ones away before committing suicide...very first clue someone is thinking of suicide, they instigate fights with friends and family or they stop seeing them all together. Worst thing real family and friends can do is give in to the loved one.
Suicide caused by depression is not an option for me at this time in my life, but I understand the draw towards the release that Mr. Williams felt. He succeeded where I have failed and there is a reason.
I believe that suicide is not a sin, I would be dead by now if there wasn't reasons for everything. It was Robin Williams time, whether it had been from depression or passing in his sleep, it was his time.
Thank you for my smiles in the past and most assuredly my smiles while watching movies you have made in the future with children and grandchildren. You made this world a better place.
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