Talk to your loved one when they are not depressed about their depression.
When they are depressed, they do not want to talk to you or anyone about their depression. It doesn't need to be "depressing" to talk about. Discuss what steps you think need to be taken when you see them going into a depression, ask them what they would like you to do when they and you know they are going into a depression.
At this time, Get a key to their home. One of the worst feelings is guilt, when a survivor says I walked away because they told me to go away. No matter what they do or say, do not walk away.
Do not take things personally.
Do not throw things back at them. If they have said something during a past depression, they were frustrated, angry or hurt...they were lashing out and only want to hurt someone. Do not use that against them later. Not months later, not years later. It will only damage your relationship even more.
I know I have been accused of saying and doing many things when I was in major depressions, especially right before I tried to commit suicide. Before I ended up in the hospital for ECT treatments after almost succeeding the last time I had written letters to all my siblings, that has pushed all of them away.
Things I have said during Bi-Polar manic phases have been used against me, things I do not remember saying, things that people I love and that love me should know I wouldn't want them to do if they really knew me.
I have in the past gotten angry at people enough to tell them not to do or give things to my children when I was in a Bi-Polar episode, that now is being held over my head so that even congratulating my daughter on her son who was born over a year ago is a chore. If my family and friends really knew me, they would know that I was angry, frustrated, having a difficult time and I really did not mean what I said.
Like many people say and do things when they are angry and frustrated adding a mental disease onto that makes it even worse because it tends to come out like we actually mean what we say. The only way people can tell is if they are informed and know their loved one enough to say, "hey, that isn't you talking, you don't mean that, I know you don't."
Talk calmly. Yelling back at them isn't going to solve anything and escalates the situation. Try to avoid topics that you know are depressing to them and gradually move them away from those topics if they are talking about them.Talk about things they have fun doing, it can be hard to get those people to do those kinds of things sometimes.
I know a person in particular who you can constantly ask them to do something and they always have an excuse why they can't, they have learned to say "no" too well and learned how to make excuses too well that people have given up asking them to come over or to go out. Why ask when the answer is always no?
Rejection goes both ways. We, my children and I, are not going to keep being told no...keep being rejected and be okay with it. We will stop calling, we will stop coming over. As everyone would.
Call someone who lives close to your loved one or make that difficult call to the police if you feel they are not safe alone.
Sometimes when your loved one seems to be too depressed to console or you are not the person who is able to calm them down and it takes someone other than you to make the difference or if you live too far away to go to your loved one you have to make the difference by calling another person who lives closer.
If you cannot get a hold of someone, a friend or family member, calling the police may be your only option...but it is the right option. You are better off having your loved one angry at you for having an officer show up at their door for awhile then have them committing suicide because you chose to think they are just throwing a temper tantrum for attention or are just angry at you for no reason.
Take care of you, especially if you have an issue with depression or a mental disease yourself.
Many healthy people can disassociate themselves and be able to help someone then walk away from a depressed person without having any issues themselves, some work as councilors and doctors.
When you suffer from a mental disease or depression yourself and you have someone in your life that is suffering from depression, sometimes it is in your best interest to let others handle that depression. You need to stay healthy and you cannot do that if you try to help someone who does not want to be helped. It is better for you and them if you keep a distance in this type of situation, especially if you are one of those people who are a "fixer".
Talking with them is a good thing, but allowing them to lay their burdens, especially if they are blaming those burdens on you, is not.
If they are not ready to let go of things they cannot fix and fix the things they can, you cannot do that for them and you cannot make them. It will make you sick trying, so it is best you keep a distance for your mental health.
Stay focused on what makes you happy, keep doing the things you enjoy and maybe they will see what really counts and will decide to rejoin life and be happy again with you.
Just like cancer and heart disease, there are treatments for depression, it does not have to end in death.
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