Panic Attacks: When No one Believes

It is difficult for me to understand myself how to deal with my panic attacks, but for someone close to me to understand is near impossible.

I have family members who think that I should just get off my ass and find a job. Others believe I am faking my disability and still others who think that there are those who know how to use the system and that I am one of those who know how.

None have seen me literally go into a panic attack at the thought of volunteering one day a week with my daughter. None have seen the panic attacks happen when someone has been kind enough to offer me a full time job with benefits. They do not understand the issues that come with mental disease and the side effects.

A dear friend of mine was telling me how there is a job opening in his company near where I live. He thought it was a great opportunity for me and was excited at the thought of me being able to do this knowing how difficult my situation is financially. It is full time and would eventually have benefits. I know he meant well, but as his excitement grew I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes ready to pour over, my chest started to ache and my shoulders started to feel like mountains had just crumbled down onto them. I couldn't get enough oxygen into my lungs and when I did get a breath in, it felt like a fire was burning in them.

This is my panic attack. Not because I would have to get off my lazy ass, because I can’t cope with the thought of being a part of the world at this time in my life and it has been happening for many years off and on.

Many people do not understand the excruciating pain someone feels when they are going through a panic attack. I don’t understand why, but that is exactly what happens at the thought of putting me out there.

I would love to be able to afford to take my children to California again, in order to do that I would have to return to work. I would love to be able to buy new appliances; again I would have to return to work. I am so scared to return to work that panic attacks happen constantly at the thought. Even now working on this blog the tears are starting to well up and the chest is starting to heave.

I am trying my best to get back out into the world. One day at a time. Holding off the panic attacks is the hardest part though and with trying to move too fast too soon it could actually set me back.

Many in my family do not understand this, so when I have family members accusing me of being difficult, stubborn and selfish, because I will not be apart of other family members lives I disassociate from all of them as none of them have ever really been supportive, only ever seeing that I “use” the system. They have never gotten to know me well enough or see me before I am medicated after having a panic attack.

But panic attacks are the daily issue when I am trying to integrate myself back into society. I have tried doing this several times since going on a disability and every time I have slipped because of the pressure to succeed from family and some friends that I have had to walk away from.

I succeeded for a couple of years by joining a bowling league in Medicine Hat, but because of the pressure to take bigger steps several issues came up, the biggest being that I went into a Bi-Polar manic episode and started spending too much money, along with other things. By the time I realized what I had done, I ended up in a suicidal state. 

I thank God that my children’s father and his mother are fantastic people who are always willing to be there when our children need them and their understanding of what I was going through that they knew and believed I needed the time to get better.**

My son saw panic attacks and thought they were normal, if he had stayed living with me I do not know where he would be now. Living with a parent and grandparent that were stable gave my son the ground work to succeed. Now he is on his way to graduating this year, working and driving like any normal teenager. 

I don’t think my son remembers how many times he crawled into bed with me to comfort me through panic attacks. I would try to make a game of it, tenting the blankets, but tears would be falling and the pressure on my chest would hurt so much.

My daughter is old enough now to understand that I have a mental disease; she understands that mom cries sometimes because of that disease but that it isn't her fault and she understands that there are warning signs to my depression. She also has a life, volunteering at a library, visiting with friends and doing fantastic at school.

We, my daughter and I, are trying to get set up so we can volunteer at the Salvation Army on Saturdays, but the thought of doing this keeps causing panic attacks.

Going to one of my children’s school for parent teacher interviews or just to talk to a teacher can cause a panic attack. Meeting new people or going into a stressful situation where I know there will be conflict can cause a panic attack.

I am trying again to live my life, it is difficult with the panic attacks, honestly I have been dealing with one while writing this blog, but I know that hiding isn't living.

Dealing with people who choose to believe that you are not who you say you are, is not something you need to do when you are mentally ill. When you have family who try to guilt you into spending time with people who believe this of you, you have to say good-bye to all of them until they are willing to accept you for who you are.

It is not your responsibility to accept people for being judgmental; it is their responsibility to accept you for who you are.

**I am very grateful to my children’s grandmother for the support she gave me and our children when the kids went to live in Calgary. You are an amazing person as well as grandparent to all your grandchildren. You have taken in all of your grandchildren at points in time to raise and for that, from the bottom of my heart, thank you Donna for being there to help care, nurture and raise our children it has meant the world to me.

Just Because I Look Normal, Doesn't Mean My Brain is…

Many people misinterpret brain diseased people because of what they look like. Most people with mental disease look like normal individuals.

While we can see and understand for the most part when a child has downs syndrome, many other mental disabilities do not have physical characteristics. 

For the most part, my everyday life is pretty normal. I “look” normal, I “talk” normal and I “do” things normally…until I go into a Bi-polar manic phase or a Bi-polar depression. Then things start to become off the wall.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/09/18/bipolar-disorder-ellen-forney_n_5823138.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000046&ir=Women

This article says it all for me.

Another excellent example is a child with high functioning autism. These children can suffer a great deal in the school system and with their peers when there is no education in why a child can “look” normal, but not “act” normal. Without educating staff at schools and especially the peers many of these children are left behind mentally, emotionally and physically.

It all goes back to what mental disease looks like.

The child LOOKS like a normal teenage boy. He is High Functioning Autistic, so can be confused with a normal child misbehaving. His voice is cracking like any normal young mans, he has a full head of hair, he walks and talks, he laughs and he cries. But sometimes, his disease, Autism, shines through. When it did, these people assumed that because he LOOKED normal, he should ACT normal and so he was just ACTING out instead of it being his disease causing an issue.

Different types of “misbehaving” that people might confuse acting out to a chemical imbalance could be the “rages”. Chemical imbalances can cause so many types of issues in our bodies that people do not understand, “rages” are definitely one of them. These are classed as temper tantrums to most people.

Some of the people who have been honest with me about when I have had a rage have explained what I have said and done during a rage. There have been times where people have told me of the same types of things happening with my grandmother, who was also Bi-Polar. Saying and doing things we normally would not do, but once again, our brains are telling us it is the right thing to do or the right thing to say.

Looking back to when I was very young, my mother would tell me that there were times where I would, for no reason, hold my breath. I wouldn't be upset, I wasn't hurt, but she explained that I would be breathing funny and all of a sudden I would hit a certain pitch and quit breathing, at which time I would faint. I wonder now if it wasn't panic attacks, this was happening before the age of 7, maybe a symptom of poor brain development or an overload on a brain not capable of handling the information?

Today I will deal with severe migraines after “thinking” too long, especially when I write. So writing is something I try to space out over a few days.

These are not “normal” things for a “normal” brain to do. Normal people do get headaches, but not headaches that put them in bed for days after writing papers. Normal people do not go into rages because a child falls off a swing from a sibling pushing too hard, they have a bad dream or they do not listen when you tell them to do something.

Medications do help by allowing our bodies to have the chemicals that are missing, but those medications do not always work, time, constantly trying new medications and the "hit and miss" philosophy comes into effect with meds. They also have side effects that can cause problems themselves or they can actually stop working and you have to start on other medications. It is a vicious cycle that I would not wish on anyone who has the luck of a NORMAL life.

When you are mentally ill, acting “normal” when you really are not, is not as easy as the normal family member or friend of a mentally ill person wants it to be. I have been told many times to “Grow up”, “Control myself”, and “Behave Myself” and the problem with these statements is that the people saying them do not understand that I wish with all my heart I could.

These statements do a lot of harm because I start to wonder why I cannot control myself, why I don’t grow up, how come I don’t behave myself. Without my counselling I end up in very deep depressions to the point of suicide because I believe I am a bad person because I say and do things I believe are okay when I am in Manic phases when they are not. Where counselling helps me realize that while I have control over some issues, my disease does contribute too many of the behavioral issues that have caused these people to say these statements.

I may look like a normal 43 year old mother and grandmother, but I have brain function issues that I would not wish on my worst enemy.

Expecting someone who has poor brain function to act normal is like asking yourself to do something that you yourself have never been trained to do.

http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2014/09/19/depression-symptoms_n_5849920.html?ir=Canada+Living

Growing up, my family could tell you that I fought every single symptom on the list in my teen years.

I remember being disgusted with myself because I could not get out of bed when my family members would call me to get ready for school, I would lie in bed crying because I did not have the energy to even dress myself or the opposite sometime I would not be able to sleep all night, staring at the walls all night then not be able to get up in the mornings from lack of sleep. 

I remember never wanting to take care of myself hygiene wise, teachers pulling me aside to talk about it. I remember never feeling happy about anything, always looking at the negative side of even the good things in my life always unhappy.

I remember never eating properly, I still don't when I go into a Bi-Polar Depression. I remember always losing interest in the things I loved to do and I still do this when depression hits me.

I remember having issues concentrating on doing school work/homework and even now when I am not myself, concentrating on what I am doing is hard to control.

I thought of suicide many times when I was younger and have thought of suicide many times since.

My siblings and cousins could tell you how irritable I could and can become at the drop of a hat when depression is at my door and especially when I am manic.

I was always suffering from stomach aches and headaches as a teenager. I had issues with my memory back then and even now my memory is very bad. I cut myself as a teenager and after moving out of my parents home at the age of 16 and until I was in my early 20s alcohol was my drug of choice.

A reminder to everyone...Mental disease is/can be hereditary. It runs in families like any other disease does. You might think that your children are safe because it is your wife's cousin on her mothers side that is a little nuts...it doesn't mean a thing...inform yourself, just in case. Better safe then sorry isn't that the old saying?

I have survived 43 years so far, I might have lost some people along the way, but I survived and there are others out there like me.

Small Steps to Help your Loved One without Hurting You

I do not want to discourage people from seeking out better information, but here are a few simple ideas about when to talk to your loved one  and what to discuss with your loved one about their depression.

Talk to your loved one when they are not depressed about their depression.

When they are depressed, they do not want to talk to you or anyone about their depression. It doesn't need to be "depressing" to talk about. Discuss what steps you think need to be taken when you see them going into a depression, ask them what they would like you to do when they and you know they are going into a depression.

At this time, Get a key to their home. One of the worst feelings is guilt, when a survivor says I walked away because they told me to go away. No matter what they do or say, do not walk away.

Do not take things personally.

Do not throw things back at them. If they have said something during a past depression, they were frustrated, angry or hurt...they were lashing out and only want to hurt someone. Do not use that against them later. Not months later, not years later. It will only damage your relationship even more.

I know I have been accused of saying and doing many things when I was in major depressions, especially right before I tried to commit suicide. Before I ended up in the hospital for ECT treatments after almost succeeding the last time I had written letters to all my siblings, that has pushed all of them away.

Things I have said during Bi-Polar manic phases have been used against me, things I do not remember saying, things that people I love and that love me should know I wouldn't want them to do if they really knew me.

I have in the past gotten angry at people enough to tell them not to do or give things to my children when I was in a Bi-Polar episode, that now is being held over my head so that even congratulating my daughter on her son who was born over a year ago is a chore. If my family and friends really knew me, they would know that I was angry, frustrated, having a difficult time and I really did not mean what I said.

Like many people say and do things when they are angry and frustrated adding a mental disease onto that makes it even worse because it tends to come out like we actually mean what we say. The only way people can tell is if they are informed and know their loved one enough to say, "hey, that isn't you talking, you don't mean that, I know you don't."

Talk calmly. Yelling back at them isn't going to solve anything and escalates the situation. Try to avoid topics that you know are depressing to them and gradually move them away from those topics if they are talking about them.Talk about things they have fun doing, it can be hard to get those people to do those kinds of things sometimes.

I know a person in particular who you can constantly ask them to do something and they always have an excuse why they can't, they have learned to say "no" too well and learned how to make excuses too well that people have given up asking them to come over or to go out. Why ask when the answer is always no? 

Rejection goes both ways. We, my children and I, are not going to keep being told no...keep being rejected and be okay with it. We will stop calling, we will stop coming over. As everyone would.

Call someone who lives close to your loved one or make that difficult call to the police if you feel they are not safe alone.

Sometimes when your loved one seems to be too depressed to console  or you are not the person who is able to calm them down and it takes someone other than you to make the difference or if you live too far away to go to your loved one you have to make the difference by calling another person who lives closer.

If you cannot get a hold of someone, a friend or family member, calling the police may be your only option...but it is the right option. You are better off having your loved one angry at you for having an officer show up at their door for awhile then have them committing suicide because you chose to think they are just throwing a temper tantrum for attention or are just angry at you for no reason.

Take care of you, especially if you have an issue with depression or a mental disease yourself.

Many healthy people can disassociate themselves and be able to help someone then walk away from a depressed person without having any issues themselves, some work as councilors and doctors.

When you suffer from a mental disease or depression yourself and you have someone in your life that is suffering from depression, sometimes it is in your best interest to let others handle that depression. You need to stay healthy and you cannot do that if you try to help someone who does not want to be helped. It is better for you and them if you keep a distance in this type of situation, especially if you are one of those people who are a "fixer".

Talking with them is a good thing, but allowing them to lay their burdens, especially if they are blaming those burdens on you, is not.

If they are not ready to let go of things they cannot fix and fix the things they can, you cannot do that for them and you cannot make them. It will make you sick trying, so it is best you keep a distance for your mental health.

Stay focused on what makes you happy, keep doing the things you enjoy and maybe they will see what really counts and will decide to rejoin life and be happy again with you.

Just like cancer and heart disease, there are treatments for depression, it does not have to end in death.

Depression is a Disease-Disease causes Death

In the end, if depression leads anyone from any walk of life to the form of death called suicide the effect is the same as losing someone to any other disease. The problem is after someone as well known as Robin Williams has been gone for awhile we will stop talking about depression, unlike other diseases, mental illness/disease is misunderstood people do not know what to expect.

I hear some people I know saying..."oh jeez, she has turned this tragedy into something about her again, she ALWAYS does this...me, me, me...its all about her", but if I had written about my understanding of why Mr. Williams chose his ending, if I had wrote about his view point that would have been wrong as well by these people, you would hear..."oh jeez, how would she know what a famous actor is going through? How dare she compare herself to someone who has the pressure like Robin Williams did".

Cancer is mutated cells, but depression, mental illness/disease has to do with the brain. Researching and testing on the brain can't be an easy thing to do when a person is alive and after they are gone, how can you tell what is going on?

People can 'fake' mental illness/disease right? People pretend to have a breakdown, people pretend to have a mental illness/disease and people actually believe that we, the mentally ill, do this all the time, we are pretending. We pretend to be sick to get attention, we are "throwing temper tantrums" to get attention. It isn't like cancer, you can't 'fake' cancer. So how do you know when a person is really sick? When they are really going down into a real depression? There are signs, but you have to be informed.

How many of us talk to the loved one that has depression about their depression? How many of us are willing to talk to our loved ones doctors when we see the symptoms of depression? How many of us are willing to take our loved ones to emergency if their loved one stops doing the things they used to do and are always in bed crying and never eating? How many of us are willing to make that call to the police if we think our loved one is in danger of hurting themselves? 

How many of us are willing to sit all night with a loved one...a friend, brother, sister, niece, nephew, uncle, aunt or cousin...anyone who needed us to be that one person to get that person over the hump of a breakdown that could cause you to permanently lose them?

A Great Aunt of mine suffered from depression as well, we used to talk until all hours of the night about our "bad times". It helped talking to an older person who could relate to my fears. She knew what I was feeling when I talked about losing family to this disease. She understood what I meant when I talked about pushing family away, being angry for no reason, crying for no reason, being paranoid for no reason, feeling like no one cared for no reason. I miss having her to talk to.

The mentally ill having each other to talk to is great, we help each other in many ways. Having our family and friends standing beside us,  nonjudgmental and understanding that we are slipping down into a depression when we are always so close to tears, when the little things upset us, when we stop wanting to see them and when we become angry at stupid things, is what can save us in the end.

Suicide is not a Sin, It is caused by a Disease.

Many say that suicide is a cop-out. I hate that word, suicide. Others say it is selfish.  Just like a stroke is caused by a blood clot, suicide is caused by depression.

Many people do not know what it feels like to get to the lowest point in their lives that they feel the world would be better with them not in it.

I will not speak for Mr. Robin Williams, but I can tell you my experience when it comes to suicide attempts.

Chemical imbalances can reek havoc on lives. A person who seems fine one minute can snap in a blink of an eye if something sets them off. You may never know what did it, they may never know either and you have every right to not want that unpredictability in your life, even if it is a loved one.

The problem that happens is many people think that the mentally ill are full of self pity, they are stuck on thinking only of themselves and what they can do and get for themselves. People think their loved one is only considering themselves in a suicide attempt, that is not always true.

When it has come to the point in my life where the chemical imbalances are so severe and I am so far in a Manic Phase I tend to do and say things that hurt the people I care about the most. Fair? No, nothing in life is fair. 

People chose not to understand that the chemical imbalance is not allowing me to think things out clearly and those things I am saying are not me, they are my worst fears coming to the front and not allowing me to be the happy me. 

In time those thoughts can become worse without a medication change (which does take time to take effect as well) and without constant support from councilors, doctors and loved ones, depressions happen off and on again on a cycling basis so it is a lifestyle change that needs to happen. 

I have had former friends and family say, "get over it", they say, "what do have to feel sad about you have everything you need or want", they say, "you are selfish for not thinking of the people you will leave behind". 

The lifestyle change means leaving behind the past. It means leaving the negative stuff that pulls you down into a depression. It means choosing to live and think about good, positive things...leaving negative heartaches behind, because the negative people, past and thoughts only take you back on a downward spiral. 

Living in a depressing past doesn't take you to a fun future. Trying to do something you enjoy again while in a depression is hard, but it can help you take those important baby steps out of that depression. 

But even in a severe depression, hearing positive thoughts like you write well or your a great mom, it just makes daily things harder to cope with and I push away, pull the covers over the head and hide.  

It does not matter how much good a person does in the world when they are in a severe depression and is considering suicide, all they may be looking back at is the damage they have done to the ones they love the most. They do not see the great things they have accomplished in their lives.

With no support system, no family or friends telling them that the harmful things they have done is in the past and they will always have them as support that these family and friends understand it is a disease controlling them, only the bad things may stay in the head of those who are severely depressed enough to commit suicide. 

Many people who become severe enough to commit suicide attempt to push every single person out of our lives. In my case and many people I know we tend to alienate, we say and do things to push those we love the most away. That way, you won't be around to see us do it. Most times we accomplish our goal. To push everyone away so we can end our lives. 

I only see the hurt I have caused and the hurt I see myself causing in the future when I hit that low in my life. 

I have hit that low many times, because my disease will never go away. I will always have a disease that causes friction when my medications are not working up to snuff. I will always have episodes and now that I know what my triggers are and what signs to watch for I know when to make sure to talk to my doctors about my medications and talk to my councilor about my stressors.

When in a manic phase I try to do too much and I end up doing too much which ends up throwing me into a severe depression. I would love to be one of those people who can throw a Christmas Supper for the family, not something I can accomplish without me ending up in bed for three days afterwards. So I do not do it for my mental health. These are steps you learn when you are changing your lifestyle. Do what you can, change what you can, be what you can. Don't push yourself because other people expect you to.

That does not mean I won't "rage" again, it means I know what to watch for so I do not become so low again that I want to leave my children behind and if I do, those that love me enough to enlighten themselves to see the signs and symptoms of the severe depression that could cause a suicide attempt will know what to do besides run from the "conflict", the "confrontations" and the "crap"...they know how to help. They choose to stay, stand and help battle the disease that can sometimes control the brain God gave me. 

Those are the people who know you are not thinking about yourself, they are the people who know you can't fix yourself over night or "just get over it" , they are the people who know that it is a disease you are fighting...not them.

I do not know about any other person who has tried to or has succeeded in committing suicide, but I know that when I have tried, my thoughts are "Please God, I am so tired of hurting those I love the most. I am tired of this disease, I cannot hurt my babies anymore, take me home."

The guilt someone carries with them when they come down from a manic phase and they realize the destruction they have done to their loved ones, the hell they have put their family through, the heart break they have caused...they want to stop that from ever happening again. At least, that is how I have felt.

I don't think about how it would stop hurting me, I think about how it would stop hurting my children when I consider suicide as an escape from this world. I start to think that maybe my estranged family will then start to spend time with my children, because then I am not there to be a problem in anyone's life. 

If you have never been to the lowest point in your life where you feel that your loved ones would be better off without you, you have no idea what it is like to live with mental disease. 

Compassion and support is what you can offer a family member who is suffering from a mental disease. At their lowest, even when they are saying cruel things many may be trying to spare their loved ones the future heartaches they know they will inflict on each and every one of those family and friends. 

Looking back, I have seen the destruction my disease and choices I have made because of my disease has caused over the last 30 years. Family and friends I have lost.

People say we need to talk more about mental illness/disease. That isn't the problem, there is lots of information out there...the problem is no one wants to learn about mental illness/disease. It is easier to believe that the person is behaving badly and can learn to control their behavior then to learn how to help. 

As I said on my daughters facebook post, People don't want to admit they have missed seeing the symptoms of a depressed loved one. They do not want to admit they chose to give into anger and resentment instead of realizing that the person was pushing them away so that the loved on could commit suicide without feeling guilt. People push their loved ones away before committing suicide...very first clue someone is thinking of suicide, they instigate fights with friends and family or they stop seeing them all together. Worst thing real family and friends can do is give in to the loved one. 

Suicide caused by depression is not an option for me at this time in my life, but I understand the draw towards the release that Mr. Williams felt. He succeeded where I have failed and there is a reason. 

I believe that suicide is not a sin, I would be dead by now if there wasn't reasons for everything. It was Robin Williams time, whether it had been from depression or passing in his sleep, it was his time.

Thank you for my smiles in the past and most assuredly my smiles while watching movies you have made in the future with children and grandchildren. You made this world a better place.