Busy Days for Me.

Busy, busy, busy.

For those who are interested, I haven't blogged for awhile in how things are going for me. 

Medications were switched last year and are working well. The stress from last year was overwhelming me and had put me into a depression but not as severe as the last one. 

Since last summer things have been a lot better and I have been working very hard at getting myself back into a mental state of being able to return to work. YAH.

There are a few options, but many are quite expensive as it would cost more in fuel than I would make...but the Dodsland Arena which is not even five minutes away is looking for a caretaker next season...starting in October...and that would give me a bit of time to 1. make darn sure I am mentally up for it and 2. I would be able to get my gardening done and dealt with for the season. Which is all to the good.

Keagan keeping me busy with the driving to the school for track and field now and badminton before that has helped boost my get up and go spirit as well. Finding her a Cello teacher who lives 20 minutes away is also a bonus. 

It is a 20 minute drive there and back to the school three times a week and a 40 minute drive to Cello once a week. There is no funding for fuel cost to get Keagan to these programs, all out of pocket so the cost of fuel is going to skyrocket for me but it is worth seeing her busy and happy. 

Gardening is getting started the flower beds are getting cleaned out and flowers are starting to sprout all over. Some bulbs my Aunt gave me last Easter are coming up this year so it will be nice to see what they look like. :) 

I have moved our specialty gardening boxes out of the gardening area so we will have more area to plant peas, carrots and beans. While still having the space to plant our lettuce, radishes, zucchini, cucumbers, etc. 

original site

new site

Keagan will be helping me this weekend by loading the trailer and pulling it with the tractor to fill the boxes with dirt from the garden area after I put the landscaping fabric down under them. 

I am going to leave a few boxes empty this year only because if the landscape fabric does not keep the grass from growing through I will dig out the sod by hand this fall and fill it in properly, but why do all that if the fabric works right?

The dirt I am hauling for the boxes is from on the other side of the lilac bushes you can see in the distance in the second picture. I have been doing it with the wheelbarrow, and my legs can tell you that...but it will go much faster with Keagans help...I hate driving the tractor and I know she loves to...;)

She does well with a standard tractor and her first driving lesson with the car went well. She is becoming a very smart,independent, young lady. She will need a doctors note to say she will be able to drive as she is missing her left hand and legally she will have to drive with her prosthetic...I cannot wait until the 3D printing prosthetics are available worldwide for all...but how many of us actually drive with two hands?

We all have our stresses, I am trying not to take on other peoples stresses only trying to advise where I can and not getting upset if my advice isn't taken...

I smile and nod when they screw up because they didn't take my advice, instead of screaming like I used to. 

While Brandon lives with his father 3 hours away, we do talk and spend time together. I feel close to him and he has been told numerous times that he can come to me about anything, which he has. We have even discussed his moving out to the farm...something that would make his mother immensely happy but now that he is an adult it is completely up to him. 

Brandon tells me that living on the farm has mellowed me out and it is good for me. I don't yell anymore. Like I said, I allow others to make their own mistakes without yelling at them or tell them "I told you so"...well, that one slips out once in a while yet, 

But on the whole I am trying to communicate better with others, which is difficult for me because I hate asking others for help or asking for things. 

Anyways, while it might seem like I am down because of the topics I discuss things are going well for me. I discuss these topics because I think they are important, not because I am depressed. 

Thank you for reading and have a great day. 

Panic Attacks: When No one Believes

It is difficult for me to understand myself how to deal with my panic attacks, but for someone close to me to understand is near impossible.

I have family members who think that I should just get off my ass and find a job. Others believe I am faking my disability and still others who think that there are those who know how to use the system and that I am one of those who know how.

None have seen me literally go into a panic attack at the thought of volunteering one day a week with my daughter. None have seen the panic attacks happen when someone has been kind enough to offer me a full time job with benefits. They do not understand the issues that come with mental disease and the side effects.

A dear friend of mine was telling me how there is a job opening in his company near where I live. He thought it was a great opportunity for me and was excited at the thought of me being able to do this knowing how difficult my situation is financially. It is full time and would eventually have benefits. I know he meant well, but as his excitement grew I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes ready to pour over, my chest started to ache and my shoulders started to feel like mountains had just crumbled down onto them. I couldn't get enough oxygen into my lungs and when I did get a breath in, it felt like a fire was burning in them.

This is my panic attack. Not because I would have to get off my lazy ass, because I can’t cope with the thought of being a part of the world at this time in my life and it has been happening for many years off and on.

Many people do not understand the excruciating pain someone feels when they are going through a panic attack. I don’t understand why, but that is exactly what happens at the thought of putting me out there.

I would love to be able to afford to take my children to California again, in order to do that I would have to return to work. I would love to be able to buy new appliances; again I would have to return to work. I am so scared to return to work that panic attacks happen constantly at the thought. Even now working on this blog the tears are starting to well up and the chest is starting to heave.

I am trying my best to get back out into the world. One day at a time. Holding off the panic attacks is the hardest part though and with trying to move too fast too soon it could actually set me back.

Many in my family do not understand this, so when I have family members accusing me of being difficult, stubborn and selfish, because I will not be apart of other family members lives I disassociate from all of them as none of them have ever really been supportive, only ever seeing that I “use” the system. They have never gotten to know me well enough or see me before I am medicated after having a panic attack.

But panic attacks are the daily issue when I am trying to integrate myself back into society. I have tried doing this several times since going on a disability and every time I have slipped because of the pressure to succeed from family and some friends that I have had to walk away from.

I succeeded for a couple of years by joining a bowling league in Medicine Hat, but because of the pressure to take bigger steps several issues came up, the biggest being that I went into a Bi-Polar manic episode and started spending too much money, along with other things. By the time I realized what I had done, I ended up in a suicidal state. 

I thank God that my children’s father and his mother are fantastic people who are always willing to be there when our children need them and their understanding of what I was going through that they knew and believed I needed the time to get better.**

My son saw panic attacks and thought they were normal, if he had stayed living with me I do not know where he would be now. Living with a parent and grandparent that were stable gave my son the ground work to succeed. Now he is on his way to graduating this year, working and driving like any normal teenager. 

I don’t think my son remembers how many times he crawled into bed with me to comfort me through panic attacks. I would try to make a game of it, tenting the blankets, but tears would be falling and the pressure on my chest would hurt so much.

My daughter is old enough now to understand that I have a mental disease; she understands that mom cries sometimes because of that disease but that it isn't her fault and she understands that there are warning signs to my depression. She also has a life, volunteering at a library, visiting with friends and doing fantastic at school.

We, my daughter and I, are trying to get set up so we can volunteer at the Salvation Army on Saturdays, but the thought of doing this keeps causing panic attacks.

Going to one of my children’s school for parent teacher interviews or just to talk to a teacher can cause a panic attack. Meeting new people or going into a stressful situation where I know there will be conflict can cause a panic attack.

I am trying again to live my life, it is difficult with the panic attacks, honestly I have been dealing with one while writing this blog, but I know that hiding isn't living.

Dealing with people who choose to believe that you are not who you say you are, is not something you need to do when you are mentally ill. When you have family who try to guilt you into spending time with people who believe this of you, you have to say good-bye to all of them until they are willing to accept you for who you are.

It is not your responsibility to accept people for being judgmental; it is their responsibility to accept you for who you are.

**I am very grateful to my children’s grandmother for the support she gave me and our children when the kids went to live in Calgary. You are an amazing person as well as grandparent to all your grandchildren. You have taken in all of your grandchildren at points in time to raise and for that, from the bottom of my heart, thank you Donna for being there to help care, nurture and raise our children it has meant the world to me.

Just Because I Look Normal, Doesn't Mean My Brain is…

Many people misinterpret brain diseased people because of what they look like. Most people with mental disease look like normal individuals.

While we can see and understand for the most part when a child has downs syndrome, many other mental disabilities do not have physical characteristics. 

For the most part, my everyday life is pretty normal. I “look” normal, I “talk” normal and I “do” things normally…until I go into a Bi-polar manic phase or a Bi-polar depression. Then things start to become off the wall.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/09/18/bipolar-disorder-ellen-forney_n_5823138.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000046&ir=Women

This article says it all for me.

Another excellent example is a child with high functioning autism. These children can suffer a great deal in the school system and with their peers when there is no education in why a child can “look” normal, but not “act” normal. Without educating staff at schools and especially the peers many of these children are left behind mentally, emotionally and physically.

It all goes back to what mental disease looks like.

The child LOOKS like a normal teenage boy. He is High Functioning Autistic, so can be confused with a normal child misbehaving. His voice is cracking like any normal young mans, he has a full head of hair, he walks and talks, he laughs and he cries. But sometimes, his disease, Autism, shines through. When it did, these people assumed that because he LOOKED normal, he should ACT normal and so he was just ACTING out instead of it being his disease causing an issue.

Different types of “misbehaving” that people might confuse acting out to a chemical imbalance could be the “rages”. Chemical imbalances can cause so many types of issues in our bodies that people do not understand, “rages” are definitely one of them. These are classed as temper tantrums to most people.

Some of the people who have been honest with me about when I have had a rage have explained what I have said and done during a rage. There have been times where people have told me of the same types of things happening with my grandmother, who was also Bi-Polar. Saying and doing things we normally would not do, but once again, our brains are telling us it is the right thing to do or the right thing to say.

Looking back to when I was very young, my mother would tell me that there were times where I would, for no reason, hold my breath. I wouldn't be upset, I wasn't hurt, but she explained that I would be breathing funny and all of a sudden I would hit a certain pitch and quit breathing, at which time I would faint. I wonder now if it wasn't panic attacks, this was happening before the age of 7, maybe a symptom of poor brain development or an overload on a brain not capable of handling the information?

Today I will deal with severe migraines after “thinking” too long, especially when I write. So writing is something I try to space out over a few days.

These are not “normal” things for a “normal” brain to do. Normal people do get headaches, but not headaches that put them in bed for days after writing papers. Normal people do not go into rages because a child falls off a swing from a sibling pushing too hard, they have a bad dream or they do not listen when you tell them to do something.

Medications do help by allowing our bodies to have the chemicals that are missing, but those medications do not always work, time, constantly trying new medications and the "hit and miss" philosophy comes into effect with meds. They also have side effects that can cause problems themselves or they can actually stop working and you have to start on other medications. It is a vicious cycle that I would not wish on anyone who has the luck of a NORMAL life.

When you are mentally ill, acting “normal” when you really are not, is not as easy as the normal family member or friend of a mentally ill person wants it to be. I have been told many times to “Grow up”, “Control myself”, and “Behave Myself” and the problem with these statements is that the people saying them do not understand that I wish with all my heart I could.

These statements do a lot of harm because I start to wonder why I cannot control myself, why I don’t grow up, how come I don’t behave myself. Without my counselling I end up in very deep depressions to the point of suicide because I believe I am a bad person because I say and do things I believe are okay when I am in Manic phases when they are not. Where counselling helps me realize that while I have control over some issues, my disease does contribute too many of the behavioral issues that have caused these people to say these statements.

I may look like a normal 43 year old mother and grandmother, but I have brain function issues that I would not wish on my worst enemy.

Expecting someone who has poor brain function to act normal is like asking yourself to do something that you yourself have never been trained to do.

http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2014/09/19/depression-symptoms_n_5849920.html?ir=Canada+Living

Growing up, my family could tell you that I fought every single symptom on the list in my teen years.

I remember being disgusted with myself because I could not get out of bed when my family members would call me to get ready for school, I would lie in bed crying because I did not have the energy to even dress myself or the opposite sometime I would not be able to sleep all night, staring at the walls all night then not be able to get up in the mornings from lack of sleep. 

I remember never wanting to take care of myself hygiene wise, teachers pulling me aside to talk about it. I remember never feeling happy about anything, always looking at the negative side of even the good things in my life always unhappy.

I remember never eating properly, I still don't when I go into a Bi-Polar Depression. I remember always losing interest in the things I loved to do and I still do this when depression hits me.

I remember having issues concentrating on doing school work/homework and even now when I am not myself, concentrating on what I am doing is hard to control.

I thought of suicide many times when I was younger and have thought of suicide many times since.

My siblings and cousins could tell you how irritable I could and can become at the drop of a hat when depression is at my door and especially when I am manic.

I was always suffering from stomach aches and headaches as a teenager. I had issues with my memory back then and even now my memory is very bad. I cut myself as a teenager and after moving out of my parents home at the age of 16 and until I was in my early 20s alcohol was my drug of choice.

A reminder to everyone...Mental disease is/can be hereditary. It runs in families like any other disease does. You might think that your children are safe because it is your wife's cousin on her mothers side that is a little nuts...it doesn't mean a thing...inform yourself, just in case. Better safe then sorry isn't that the old saying?

I have survived 43 years so far, I might have lost some people along the way, but I survived and there are others out there like me.

Family Counseling to Help Understand Mental Disease

Right off the bat, parenting a child with a mental disease or illness is one of the hardest things a parent will ever have to do and accomplishing this with other children, who have “normal” brains, is even more difficult.

One of the biggest pieces of advice I can give to parents of children with any type of mental disease is counseling. Not only for the child, not only for the parents, but for the entire family.

I knew growing up that there was definitely something wrong with me, I did not know it was a chemical imbalance in my brain. Chemical imbalances in your body can cause so many problems, from causing seizures to weight gain. Many people will accept a thyroid problem, but gawd forbid serotonin levels are so whacked out you start screaming scary things that you have no recollection of later.

The issue though is when a child with a mental disability has episodes and siblings do not understand what is happening and adults put the episodes down to bad behavior, siblings can become resentful, bitter and sometimes hostile.

They, as well as the adults, scold the child with the mental disability for the “bad behavior” when the adults are not around. This leads to the child with the mental disability having no support. The child can start to feel picked on, mistreated and neglected.  The friction that develops between siblings because of the lack of education can grow and soon no relationship is left.

Counseling for everyone in the family will help.

This would not just be for the benefit of the child with the mental disease.

While this would show your mentally ill child that they have your love and support, it is would be to help the children that do not have the mental disease learn coping skills. Instead of becoming bitter, angry and thinking that their sibling is “just acting out” they would learn how to deal constructively with their sibling.

So much more is known about mental illnesses and diseases than when I was growing up. Parents now have an advantage.

Where my parents and brother had no clue how to deal with the outbursts and bouts of depression…where I refused to get out of bed for days to my severe mood swings…we know now how to help our children through a panic attack/outburst of tears/“temper tantrum” issues, which teach mentally ill children coping skills for the future.

And there is a difference between a child that is spoiled and a child that has a disability. The outside world may not know the difference but they do not matter. However, family and friends should know the difference and learning how to cope is a responsibility.

These coping skills my generation and older generations of people with mental diseases have had to learn these skills by hit or miss. 

The biggest reason is because no one knew back when I was growing up how important counseling is for people with mental disease/illness and the families of people with the disease.

I did see a psychiatrist once or twice growing up, but that was because of the death of my father. I did see a counselor a few times after I was strong enough to report that I had been sexually molested. I did seek counseling off and on over the years but really never understood how to utilize counseling properly.

When I was growing up and I was seeing a counselor after the abuse, my counselor would tell me to ask my family to seek family counseling, that it would be good for the whole family. The answer was always no, I was told I was the one who had the problem, not them.

Remember earlier I said “love and support” family support is very important. Sibling support is important, these are a child’s very first friends in life, when these “friends” do not understand and start pulling away from them because they do not know how to handle the behavioral issues that the child with mental illness/disease has, it can be devastating. This child can become worse in many respects.

We can help brothers and sisters understand that an illness or disease can cause their siblings to make poor choices by allowing them to talk to a counselor of their own. This person can help them realize that their sibling is not behaving badly because they want to, but because there is something wrong with their brain that makes it difficult for them to make better choices. This is helping all of our children, in the long run, have happy, healthy relationships with each other.

Yes, we make choices, but what many people do not understand is that when our brains are not working correctly we actually believe that we are making correct choices.

To a lesser degree, you might believe that a shirt looks great on you…it may be ugly and no one is willing to tell you that, but you think it looks great.

With my brain I can think something is an amazing idea, and if someone doesn't say, “Lana, don’t do it, it’s a bad idea and you will regret it.” I will probably do it when I am in a Bi-Polar state. Problem is, not many people know how to deal with me when I am in a Bi-Polar manic state and many people are not willing to “get involved” to say “Don’t do it”. This, in the end, leads me to believe they don’t care enough to stop me from doing “dumb” things after I do come down from my manic state.

Seeking counseling to support and learn how to cope with your loved ones mental disease has so many immense benefits for the entire family. From showing the mentally ill child they have the love and support to teaching the other family members coping skills the benefits out weight the loss of the minimum mount of time you have to put into learning these valuable skills.

I am not trying to bash my family in this blog. This is about showing that had a different approach been taken when I was young maybe things would have turned out a lot differently. However, times were different we did not know as much then as we do now about mental disease and illnesses and while there is a lot more that needs to be learned and talked about, there are coping skills available now for families to take advantage of so that relationships do not have to suffer.

**It has been a long summer. I have been going through a depression this summer. My writing has been on some depressing topics and many have not been worth posting. I am trying to learn to control which are worth posting and which are accusatory, full of self pity and not really helpful to anyone but me. I kept busy keeping tears away this summer by writing my “yucky” stuff, gardening, canning and taking care of the dogs. Now its time to harvest all those potatoes!