Just Because I Look Normal, Doesn't Mean My Brain is…

Many people misinterpret brain diseased people because of what they look like. Most people with mental disease look like normal individuals.

While we can see and understand for the most part when a child has downs syndrome, many other mental disabilities do not have physical characteristics. 

For the most part, my everyday life is pretty normal. I “look” normal, I “talk” normal and I “do” things normally…until I go into a Bi-polar manic phase or a Bi-polar depression. Then things start to become off the wall.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/09/18/bipolar-disorder-ellen-forney_n_5823138.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000046&ir=Women

This article says it all for me.

Another excellent example is a child with high functioning autism. These children can suffer a great deal in the school system and with their peers when there is no education in why a child can “look” normal, but not “act” normal. Without educating staff at schools and especially the peers many of these children are left behind mentally, emotionally and physically.

It all goes back to what mental disease looks like.

The child LOOKS like a normal teenage boy. He is High Functioning Autistic, so can be confused with a normal child misbehaving. His voice is cracking like any normal young mans, he has a full head of hair, he walks and talks, he laughs and he cries. But sometimes, his disease, Autism, shines through. When it did, these people assumed that because he LOOKED normal, he should ACT normal and so he was just ACTING out instead of it being his disease causing an issue.

Different types of “misbehaving” that people might confuse acting out to a chemical imbalance could be the “rages”. Chemical imbalances can cause so many types of issues in our bodies that people do not understand, “rages” are definitely one of them. These are classed as temper tantrums to most people.

Some of the people who have been honest with me about when I have had a rage have explained what I have said and done during a rage. There have been times where people have told me of the same types of things happening with my grandmother, who was also Bi-Polar. Saying and doing things we normally would not do, but once again, our brains are telling us it is the right thing to do or the right thing to say.

Looking back to when I was very young, my mother would tell me that there were times where I would, for no reason, hold my breath. I wouldn't be upset, I wasn't hurt, but she explained that I would be breathing funny and all of a sudden I would hit a certain pitch and quit breathing, at which time I would faint. I wonder now if it wasn't panic attacks, this was happening before the age of 7, maybe a symptom of poor brain development or an overload on a brain not capable of handling the information?

Today I will deal with severe migraines after “thinking” too long, especially when I write. So writing is something I try to space out over a few days.

These are not “normal” things for a “normal” brain to do. Normal people do get headaches, but not headaches that put them in bed for days after writing papers. Normal people do not go into rages because a child falls off a swing from a sibling pushing too hard, they have a bad dream or they do not listen when you tell them to do something.

Medications do help by allowing our bodies to have the chemicals that are missing, but those medications do not always work, time, constantly trying new medications and the "hit and miss" philosophy comes into effect with meds. They also have side effects that can cause problems themselves or they can actually stop working and you have to start on other medications. It is a vicious cycle that I would not wish on anyone who has the luck of a NORMAL life.

When you are mentally ill, acting “normal” when you really are not, is not as easy as the normal family member or friend of a mentally ill person wants it to be. I have been told many times to “Grow up”, “Control myself”, and “Behave Myself” and the problem with these statements is that the people saying them do not understand that I wish with all my heart I could.

These statements do a lot of harm because I start to wonder why I cannot control myself, why I don’t grow up, how come I don’t behave myself. Without my counselling I end up in very deep depressions to the point of suicide because I believe I am a bad person because I say and do things I believe are okay when I am in Manic phases when they are not. Where counselling helps me realize that while I have control over some issues, my disease does contribute too many of the behavioral issues that have caused these people to say these statements.

I may look like a normal 43 year old mother and grandmother, but I have brain function issues that I would not wish on my worst enemy.

Expecting someone who has poor brain function to act normal is like asking yourself to do something that you yourself have never been trained to do.

http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2014/09/19/depression-symptoms_n_5849920.html?ir=Canada+Living

Growing up, my family could tell you that I fought every single symptom on the list in my teen years.

I remember being disgusted with myself because I could not get out of bed when my family members would call me to get ready for school, I would lie in bed crying because I did not have the energy to even dress myself or the opposite sometime I would not be able to sleep all night, staring at the walls all night then not be able to get up in the mornings from lack of sleep. 

I remember never wanting to take care of myself hygiene wise, teachers pulling me aside to talk about it. I remember never feeling happy about anything, always looking at the negative side of even the good things in my life always unhappy.

I remember never eating properly, I still don't when I go into a Bi-Polar Depression. I remember always losing interest in the things I loved to do and I still do this when depression hits me.

I remember having issues concentrating on doing school work/homework and even now when I am not myself, concentrating on what I am doing is hard to control.

I thought of suicide many times when I was younger and have thought of suicide many times since.

My siblings and cousins could tell you how irritable I could and can become at the drop of a hat when depression is at my door and especially when I am manic.

I was always suffering from stomach aches and headaches as a teenager. I had issues with my memory back then and even now my memory is very bad. I cut myself as a teenager and after moving out of my parents home at the age of 16 and until I was in my early 20s alcohol was my drug of choice.

A reminder to everyone...Mental disease is/can be hereditary. It runs in families like any other disease does. You might think that your children are safe because it is your wife's cousin on her mothers side that is a little nuts...it doesn't mean a thing...inform yourself, just in case. Better safe then sorry isn't that the old saying?

I have survived 43 years so far, I might have lost some people along the way, but I survived and there are others out there like me.

Why Have an Abortion?

Why would women want to have an abortion?

http://www.upworthy.com/a-dude-trying-to-ban-abortions-is-asked-a-question-he-never-considered-its-so-obvious-it-hurts-8?c=ufb3

Growing up and in my 20’s I never even considered the idea of abortion. It took me so long to have my son and daughter that it boggled my mind to even think about it. I would never do it, but it is a woman’s issue and if a woman felt they needed to have an abortion that was their right.

Men, I understand you may become attached to the thought or idea of having a child, but you are not the one who has to carry a fetus.

Men are not the ones who, if raped, have to endure the constant reminder of that rape if made to carry a child full term.

I do believe that a man can be raped; I do believe they would have a difficult time moving forward from that rape, but to have your body change with the growth of a child made because of that rape, you will never know that feeling. It is not joyous like it is supposed to be, it is not a miracle, it is a jail sentence for women.

Finances are another reason, not a good one, but a reason…after a one night stand, men are not the ones with the financial burden of raising a child that is carried to full term if the woman does not know who the father is. Some women will rely on social services, free money right? Not all women are that greedy or lazy.

We all know this happens and the blame game can be played on both sides of the fence. A man knows how to use a condom and a woman knows how to pop a pill or have a needle stuck in her arm every few months.

Although men, a condom does more than save you from child support, it can save your life as well. While the “pill” helps prevent pregnancy it cannot protect you from disease, remember that when you place the blame on the woman for getting pregnant in the first place.

Health reasons for abortion are always acceptable, but which health reasons? Life or death seems to be the only acceptable reason, as long as the mother’s life is at stake she is allowed to abort a fetus.

Many people are made to feel guilt for having an abortion. Guilt is a stupid feeling when it comes to abortion and making people feel this way, is cruel. 

Why do adults feel that children and teenagers can control their emotions and urges any better than we could at their age? Teaching safe sex is the best way to prevent teen pregnancy, but even then when a teenager has to deal with becoming pregnant, why do we feel the need to pressure them into either keeping a child they have no clue how to emotionally, mentally or financially support?

Each person knows their body better than any other person on this Earth. We cannot tell someone what is best for them from one day to the next. 

Looking back, as a teenager I was not responsible enough to have a child even though I desperately wanted one. A child would have suffered under my parentage while I was a teenager. 

If a teenager can make the decision that abortion would be best for her future, then no one should stand in her way, she will be the one who has to make the sacrifices in the future. 

Anyone can say a teen girl should have thought about that before she had sex, I will serve the ball back by saying that there are not many women left on this world who would be able to say they "saved" themselves for their husbands, so before you cast that stone...make sure your house has no windows.

What about mental health reasons? Are they acceptable reasons?

Most people know I am Bi-Polar; one of the symptoms is an increased sex drive when in a manic phase, euphoria is another.

After I had my daughter I was put on the birth control shot, you are only allowed to be on this shot for 5 years after that an alternative is used. I would like to point out, my children have the same father and I was married to him our marriage did not work, one of the reasons being my disease. 

When I came off the shot I was in a manic phase and I had been looking at other options but never followed through. If you know Bi-Polar, you know "follow through" is a big problem when you are in manic/depression phases.

Remember I said I would never consider abortion?

When I was in my mid-30’s, already supporting two children on a disability pension/child support and I became pregnant from a complete stranger because I was in a Bi-Polar Manic Phase, I did what was necessary for the welfare of the children I already had. The son and daughter I have were not going to go without because I made a mistake, I was going to fix the mistake and it was an easy decision for me.

I chose to do what made the most sense. Instead of making the Federal and Provincial governments pay me more money for a child that was not conceived under the best circumstances, I had an abortion. Do I have regrets? Nope.

Some will say that adoption is an alternative.

I agree, but we see the statistics on children in foster care that could be adopted…but are not, even babies because of their background/history.

No one wants the burden, people want perfect children who will be little darlings, not children who may have disabilities down the road because a mother had a mental disease or the father was an alcoholic/drug abuser. I know people who are foster parents, in their 50’s, raising babies nobody wants or people cannot care for.

Do I know anyone that would have adopted the child?

Even if I did, I would not have felt comfortable knowing that one day, those people could have come back to blame me for this child having the disease I fight with everyday. 

I already worry about my two children having this disease and helping them through it if they do, worrying about another was too great. Abortion was the solution, the best solution.

When you give a child up for adoption, it ceases to become your child, having adoptive parents come to me and blame me for a disability was not going to happen and having a child end up in foster care because a family does not want to deal with mental illness was not going to happen either, and to be honest, that child would have been their child, not mine.

I would never presume to tell a man what they have to do or not do with their reproductive organs. 

Should we castrate rapists and pedophiles? Most people would say yes to this, but we don't for humane reasons.

Should we "snip" men who keep having children with different women? Probably another yes, but it would be unethical.

There would be more yes’s to "snipping" men in 3rd world countries, easier and faster healing time then for a woman to have surgery, governments will send money over to 3rd world countries to circumcise men before they will stop them from procreating. Go figure, they will perform cosmetic surgery but won't stop over population. 

So why should men dictate whether women have the choice to have a child or not?

  

When a man can carry a child to full term after being raped or when a man can carry a child after sleeping with a woman one night, never knowing her name, then a man will know what it feels like to have to make a very difficult, or sometimes very easy, decision of abortion. 

Until then, it is a woman’s issue and should always be thought of in that way.

Religious people use their book and their God to condemn those that do not agree with them on this topic.

Hypocrisy always has a way of coming around to bite us in the ass... 

Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged~Matthew 7:1 

Some call it Karma. 

Anyone's Life Normal?

It has been an eye opener for me what people think of my life experiences. People who have heard my story keep telling me WRITE IT.

Whether I am in a depression, a manic phase or healthy one…I always believe there are others out there who have it one hundred times worse than me. 

It keeps me grounded when I’m manic, it helps me understand that there are worse things in life when I am depressed and when I am healthy, I feel for those worse off and I try to help them.

By the time I was 14 so many negative things had happened in my life that even an adult would have had a meltdown.

All these negative things were being blamed for my acting out. 

People believed I was being a spoiled brat by taking advantage of the heartaches that had happened to our family over the years, it wasn't because I was sick and needed medications; nobody knew that yet. 

It was because I was selfish. Looking back, the symptoms of Bi-polar Disease were evident from the age of 14, but diagnosing teenagers did not happen in the 1980’s.

Being Bi-polar has been a big part of my life it has made life difficult and it has made me learn how to cope with things the hard way, but it has not been all of my life. 

All lives have their soap operas. 

There have just been a few more bad things earlier in my life then some people have to live with at all in their lives…

The first most people will go through. Young or old we all lose a grandparent, but my grandfather was the beginning of young deaths. He died when he was fifty years old in 1977.

My grandfather was an alcoholic; he died of cirrhosis of the liver. I was five and he never got to meet most of his grandchildren or any of his great grandchildren, but we were told that the grandchildren he did get to know were loved by him very much. This was the first taste of loss, not too bitter of a taste at that age, but a loss none the less.

The next loss was to start me down a very depressing road for a very long time. October 19^th, 1979 a drunk driver killed one of the people dearest to me in my life. I was seven at the time.

People wonder why I am so adamant about drunk drivers; well here is a lesson many others have had to deal with as well.

We lived only about 20 minutes out of Medicine Hat, Alberta. The night was the grand opening of the Medicine Hat Mall. It was a thought in my brain that if I had not been so desperate to have my cousin out at the farm we would have only brought one vehicle home and we all would have survived…a lot for a little girl to burden herself with for so many years.

Our car, mom was driving, was in the lead and she saw the truck coming at her in her lane (the highway was not yet twinned), she had time to swerve. My dad, however, was behind us and probably didn't understand why my mother swerved until it was too late…

Imagine sitting in the car, what do you think my mother saw in her rear view mirror? I never knew that my dad’s truck exploded that night, not until I talked to a psychic. (Believe what you want) I always thought it was the next death, my step fathers, that there was an explosion. I had never been told the truth about any of the deaths until I was in my '20s…AFTER seeing the psychic. When I brought it up with my mother, she went white like she had seen a ghost, but told me what she had seen.

My dad was 28 years old when he died in that explosion. Could we think about this for a minute…28 years old? To lose your parent or grandparent is one thing, but Grandma and Grandpa were never the same after my dad died.

Christmas was hell that year how did the adults put smiles on for the younger children I have no idea and birthdays in January were not enjoyed without a father there and 35 years later I still have the cards my classmates made me, telling me that they hoped I would be back soon.

I was a different child after this.

The teachers could see it, the kids could feel it. I became very introverted. I stopped playing with the other kids. The friends that I had were growing further away because they did not need to be around a sad child. Emotionally I was heading in a downward spiral at the age of seven. All I have to do is think about what my mother saw in her rear view mirror to know someone else on this Earth had been hurt more than me.

Mom did find someone. He put up with me pushing him away. He was not going to replace my dad, but he was one person who tried. He was there when the nightmares happened.

When the wedding happened I was 11.

The summer before the wedding though, I had gone through a different type of nightmare.

The sexual abuse happened while I was in British Columbia visiting people.

My mom and step fathers’ wedding was a very big affair. I could smile again. When my new dad was killed 3 weeks later, life drained from me…I really couldn't keep losing people like this. 

Many other things have happened since then, good and bad. 

My abuser asked for a letter of apology because I contacted his daughter, who knew what I had gone through. I have been divorced and separated twice. My “rages” can come and go whether I am on medications or not. 

I have lost family and friends because they do not understand the difference between “crazy” and “mental disease”, I am just bat shit crazy. Suicide has crossed my mind many times and I have tried it many times.

Life has taken me down a very long, broken road. I have lost and gained people in my life, those that are still here on Earth and those who have passed away, both are dearly missed, but I cannot waste time trying to explain myself to people who do not want to give me or my children the time of day.

I can only hope my tales help show anyone that it is better to open up and let it all out even if others don’t think so, then to bottle it up and hide under the covers, being too scared to say how you feel.

You are a breath of fresh air by speaking out about how the world could be a better place if people would only try to be nicer to others. Remember that, because while there are those out there that think we are bat shit crazy, there are more people out there that think the opposite they believe and understand us. They are the people we need to surround ourselves with, find them. Start with a councilor.

Whether it is to a family member who has the drunk who cannot stop driving and shows them how a drunk driver affected my family’s life or the teenager who doesn't understand why they can’t control the tears when a family member called them “bat shit crazy”. 

I hope my “rants” help. 

Whether people believe me or not, I don’t try to make people feel guilt, but if you do...there must be a reason.